When it rains, it pours.

I haven't been feeling well for the past few days. I have the flu, I think, and absolutely no time to spend all day in bed and relax. But if I'm up for more than few hours, I feel like I'm burning out, I'm short of breath and I start feeling dizzy.

I don't like being sick. When you're sick, you realize how alone you are. I was stretched out on my couch last night, really not feeling all that great, and terribly thirsty. But there was nobody to go to the fridge and get iced tea for me. And even though it's just in the next room, it cost me a lot of energy to get it myself. :( Those are the moments when you truly miss your mom, who used to spoil you when you were sick. Where are the days when you could just call for your mom and she'd bring you tea and soup or anything you asked for? Being sick wasn't so bad when you got out of school and were getting spoiled at home. Now, when you still have to work and have to get everything yourself, being sick really isn't fun.

Anyway, as if this wasn't enough: I was watching TV and had started dozing off, when I heard two male voices and a lot of movement outside my door. I knew something was wrong, but nothing prepared me for that...
As I opened my door, I saw a trash can that had been dragged in from outside and dumped out right outside my apartment door. On the floor was some weird brown fluid/mess and I saw a guy running down the hallway pulling up his pants (use your own imagination to figure out what happened). His friend was rushing out the other door. Half asleep and only seeing the back of them, I really couldn't tell who they were. I didn't have my keys on me or shoes on or was in the right physical condition to chase after them. So there was nothing left to do but call the police and file a report. Then, I tried to call emergency maintenance because I was NOT going to clean up that mess myself. And it started to smell, so there was no chance of me going to bed with that smell right outside my apartment. Of course, our Emergency Maintenance service didn't pick up the phone. So much for "emergency" maintenance...I guess you're only allowed to have emergencies during work hours. Finally, a police officer came over to help me clean up.
And of course, one of my residents had been sitting in the Lobby and must have seen something (or at least the guy running away) but was insisting that she hadn't seen anything. As if!!!

I e-mailed my supervisor before I went to sleep to let him know what happened. So the next morning, I expected there to be an e-mail or a voicemail checking in with me and making sure I was okay. I mean, that isn't too much to ask for, right? But nothing. A few hours later, I got an e-mail from my supervisor about a stupid meeting we were having that day; still no comment on the whole incident. Finally, that afternoon after the meeting, which was regarding something completely different, he asked what had happened last night. But to be honest, at this point, it was too late...because I was already frustrated. I mean, we talk so much about ensuring our students' safety, but has anyone ever thought about the staff's safety?
I guess the mature thing would have been to say something to my supervisor at this time; to express that I wasn't feeling supported or that I had hoped for a different and faster reaction. But what's the point in telling people that you want them to care about you and your well-being? Even if they express their concern then, it won't feel genuine because you had to ask them to do it first; and you'll still feel as alone and will still question if anyone cares.

It's like this Fall, when a mother made assumptions about my sexual orientation and told me that "nobody should have to live with a person like me." When I told my supervisors about this incident, they said that I did the right thing by telling this woman that we didn't move anyone based on their sexual orientation and backed me up on that decision; but nobody ever checked in with me to make sure I was okay or that I was feeling safe.

I guess I should have known when I went into this profession that things like this would happen. And I can handle it. It'd just be nice to get a phone call after an incident like that and have your supervisor say something like, "I'm sorry this happened to you. Are you okay?" It'd just make me feel like people in this department actually care about me and how I'm doing.

On feeling "old" and being lonely

One of my graduate assistants is graduating in two weeks and is job searching. Today, in our evaluation meeting, she talked about how she can't believe that she is really done with school and will have a "real job" next year. And I thought that I can't believe that I've had a "real job" for two years already.

It's like mood swings...some days I can't believe that I'm a "grown-up" and have a "real job;" other days I just feel old and I am "afraid that I met the [person] of my dreams at a dry cleaner or something and I was just too busy to notice." (quote from movie "Fools Rush In")
When I was little, I thought I would be married at 26; I thought I'd have at least one if not two kids by now. Instead, I'm single, living in a residence hall, working 24/7, spending my Friday nights watching a romantic comedy and eating ice cream. What a life, right? And sadly enough, I don't really see this changing any time soon. I mean, living in a small town and always being busy with work, I really don't meet many people, who are not students or colleagues. And we all know that there aren't that many heterosexual, single men in Student Affairs.

I guess it's just one of those nights when I feel lonely and old.

On the job front, there isn't much new. Our annual reports are due on Monday. I actually turned mine in already. These reports are supposed to cover everthing that we did this year and give a new, incoming staff member all the resources they may need to manage our building and run the living learning community. That's a lot of information to cover, don't you think?
I know I'm a lengthy writer and maybe I put in some things that aren't necessary. But I don't expect a new staff member to read every single sentence. I try to organize the report, so they can glance through the table of contents, pick the section that relates to what they're trying to do, and then go through those resources. I also believe in including attachments and other documents that this person, if he/she wants to could utilize (with minor alterations). Again, if he/she decided to redo everthing, that's fine. But if he/she doesn't want to reinvent the wheel, everything should be there, right?

Okay, so I finished my report and the actual report is about 50 pages plus about 100 pages of attachments and other documents. I know that's a lot longer than what everyone else has. But do people really have to make fun of me for it? If it's too long, maybe my supervisor should tell me that and work with me to see what sections could be cut. But why make jokes and laught at me? It just gets frustrating and annoying. No wonder I live in the "CHANGE" (the name of my LLC) bubble and try to venture out as little as possible. Within my bubble, I'm safe.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely tonight. I've been more homesick these past two years working here than I ever was when I first came to the US for college. But back then, I had friends. Now, I have staff members, who I love hanging out with but can't be with 24/7 because after all they are students and I'm their supervisor; I have colleagues, who - for whatever reason - don't care about me and don't understand me; and I have three amazing friends, who live a 10-hour flight away.

Okay, enough feeling bad for myself. It's time for bed because I have a lot of work to do tomorrow (yes, on a Saturday).

On national conventions and getting older

Last week, I went to ACPA. I have to say, these national conventions get better every year - maybe not the actual convention but my experiences attending them. It's probably just that each year, I get to know more people, I become more involved, and suddenly I get more out of attending conventions.

I remember my first convention. I felt completely lost. I knew maybe two or three people who were there. I went to sessions - some of which were great, some of which were decent, and some where I didn't feel like I learned much - I barely talked to anyone. I felt like a little fish in a big sea.

Now, four years later, I have become involved in a commission, I presented a program, I met up with friends from grad school, I knew colleagues from various institutions, I learned a lot and I had a good time.

So for those of you who may feel lost at national conventions, here's my advice: get involved. Find a standing committee or commission (or a knowledge community for NASPA) and get involved. Suddenly you will know people, you will have things to do at the convention to the point where you're busy and really have to work out your schedule to be able to attend a few valuable sessions.

On a very different note: My birthday is on Tuesday. I'm not really looking forward to it. Birthdays have all these high expectations attached to them - like it is supposed to be a special day just because you're getting older. And when you are an ocean away from your family and your three best friends and hundreds of miles from any other friends, you know your expectations will just be disappointed. I don't even have any plans this year.
My sister's birthday present for me was a dinner or movie with a friend and I can't think of anyone I want to go with. There's one colleague I could ask. I'm not sure.

I like my job; it's a great entry-level position and a fabulous learning experience. But I know that for my next job search, I will have to change my priorities and make sure that I'm moving to an area where I have friends or where there are things to do for me - places I can go and ways I can meet people.

On the ups and downs of Spring Break Service Trips

Spring Break is over and the countdown toward the end of the year and the closing of the residence hall has started. As much as I love my job and my students, I have to admit, I love closing. By that time of the year, I'm just ready to finish it - ready to get everyone out of the building - ready to have a little bit more of a social life again - ready to be done, take a break and then get a fresh start with a new staff and a new group of residents.

But before I start dreaming about the future, let's take a look back to the past week - Spring Break. In September, I had this "awesome" idea to go on a service trip with my residents. It sounded great! What better way to put our theme - "CHANGE - Emerging Community Leaders" - into action and help our residents achieve some of those learning outcomes we have.

It all sounded great until maybe two weeks prior to the trip. I didn't really have the time earlier to get things ready for the trip, so suddenly I was hit with all these last minute preparations. From communicating with the Habitat for Humanity (HFH) host affilitate and figuring details about our accommodations and other arrangements with them to preparing some team builders and service learning activities to buying supplies for the group (work gloves, coolers, etc.) and myself (e.g. steel toed shoes).
I was running around like crazy and while I didn't want to admit it to myself, I really wished that I had never come up with the idea for this trip and would just get to spend spring break staying at home, relaxing, maybe reading a book or watching TV, or even using a day or two to catch up and maybe even get ahead with work...sleeping in late...oh, it all sounded so tempting!

Looking back: the trip was worth it. I had a good time. The students gained a lot from it. The HFH affiliate really appreciated our help. And we had tons of fun - at our days off when we went to Philadelphia and Washington D.C. as well as at the construction site when we learned how to "flush" "4-by-2's" and build a wall.

Part of me still wishes that I would have had that week off. This week back - it's only been three days but it feels like a lifetime again - has been superbusy. With ACPA coming up in addition to all the building-related and committee-related tasks I need to accomplish, I've been putting in lots of late hours.

Some of my RAs and I talked about whether or not we'd want to do a trip like that again. And the RAs strongly felt like we should do it again next year. I agree with them - but I'm also hesitant to give up my spring break again. It's tough. I want to do this for my students - as well as for myself - but is all the stress really worth it?

I know it is - at least I believe it is - but the self-ish part of me wishes I could just sleep in for a couple days. :)

On students' stupidity, professional development and the goodness of my heart

What a day!

I broke up a party. No, that's not right. I walked in on the aftermath of a party. I was walking through the hall - knowing that a lot of partying and drinking would be going on today. On my first round, a few rooms stood out to me as rooms we should keep an eye on. I decided to walk through one of my male corridors again (their RA was out of town, so I figured the corridor may need a little more attention). That time, as I'm walking through, a student exits the room. He barely open the door, squeezed through and was clearly trying to block me from being able to look into the room. It couldn't have been any more obvious. He also reeked off alcohol.
After that, I just went into "ResLife routine" - asking him to open the door, getting the students' IDs, having them take out (and recycle!) the empty cans and bottles (there was over 50), asking them to dump out the rest of the alcohol (another 20 cans/bottles).
But here's the thing: for one of the students, this may be his third alcohol violation. We have a policy here that states that if you're found responsible for your third violation, you will be, at minimum, suspended for one semester.
I've worked in ResLife long enough to realize that I did what I had to do and that it was the student, who put himself into this situation. But that's what I just don't get. After you were found responsible for two violations and knowing what the policy is, WHY would you put yourself in that situation??? Especially on a weekend where you know more staff is around because there are traditionally more alcohol incidents. I mean, I realize that for some students alcohol is part of the college experience, but is it really worth risking your chance to continue going to college??? I mean, seriously, don't be stupid!!!

Another interesting aspect of my day was a conversation I had with a central staff member about professional development. I've been struggling with figuring out how I could continue working on my professional development. I am going to conferences regularly; I'm involved in some committees at my institution as well as through national organizations. But it feels like there's something missing. I don't feel like I'm doing enough to challenge myself, to continue learning. I've asked my supervisor for feedback, but didn't get much concrete suggestions on what I can work on. Everyone tells me I'm doing a good job. But there has to be more, right?
Maybe I just need to commit more time to reading articles and books on my own. I don't know. But there has to be something else that I can do.

Last but not least, let me tell you a story of what happens when you have these "great" ideas and decide to do things out of the "goodness of your heart." Last Fall, my staff and I talked about how "cool" it would be if we organized a service trip for residents in our building over Spring Break. Well, I'm the type of person, who - once we've come up with an idea - follows through and makes it happen. So I did. And now, in two days, I'm leaving on our trip.
I'm not ready. I haven't had time to think about things I need to buy and bring, packing, figuring out directions and other details, organizing evening events, and and and. And part of me wishes I could just spend the break sleeping in, reading, relaxing and doing nothing.
I know I'll have fun once we're on the road, but right now, I'm not all that thrilled about going and about all the things I still have to organize.

Talking about that, I should get going. Wish me luck!

On Technology

Last week, my laptop stopped working; well, it just won't charge anymore. At first, it still worked if I pushed the cord in far enough and wiggled it around a bit, but then it completely stopped working. Resigned, I decided to go to BestBuy and see what could be done to fix it.

Now I've only had my laptop for a year. Officially I got one, so I could use it for conferences. In reality, I wanted a laptop, so I could sit on my couch and watch TV while getting some work done or maybe talking to friends online. In the past year, my laptop has become more and more important in my daily routine. Initially, I would bring it out on weekends; then I started using it occasionally during the week. Soon I would turn on my laptop the second I left the office in the evening and spend the rest of the day checking e-mail, chatting online, surfing the internet and playing sudoku.

I was obviously aware that I used my laptop a lot, but I didn't realize how "addicted" I was until I didn't have it anymore. This past week hasn't been easy. It started last weekend: I had to do evaluations for the graduate students we interviewed. The evaluations were due Monday at 8 am. Faced with the choice to either sit in my office for hours and write evals or sit on my couch, watching TV while doing it, I picked the second option. But without a laptop that meant writing all the evaluations by hand. Now I'm not anti-writing by hand, but when I write fast, I don't have the nicest handwriting. Would everyone be able to read it? Probably not. So I spent some painful hours trying to write very nicely. And because I had procrastinated all weekend, I found myself staying up almost all of Sunday night in a desperate attempt to get all the evals done by the deadline.
The rest of the week wasn't any easier. When I left work at night, I couldn't do much without my laptop - I really had to leave work. "Good for you," you may say. "Stop being such a workaholic!" Well, yes, maybe that was a good thing. But I also didn't get much done this week. Toward the end of the week I realized that I'd fallen behind in several aspects of my job and decided to spend some extra hours in the office. I also haven't e-mailed any of my friends in a while and I just now (at 1:30 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning) updating this blog.

How did I survive without a laptop before???

On a real conversation and a life outside work

Last week, we had a band playing in my building. This new band had contacted me because they were doing a national college tour to promote their music and wanted to perform in my building. I like music and I've always had a thing for new artists...I just like supporting them and helping them as they're starting off. So of course I couldn't say no to this new band, especially after I listened to their music and really liked it.
Anyway, so this band came to my building. We had a pretty bad snowstorm that day and they were a little delayed. I thought, "Yay, everyone will be in the building and they'll love to come to our concert." Not so much. Sometimes I just don't understand my residents. Who says no to a free concert? But many of them did, so the crowd in the basement was pretty thin. I felt bad for the band, but I soon forgot all about that because I was just absolutely enjoying myself. I loved their music. And they were really nice, fun guys.
Three of my RAs and I invited them to come to one of our dining halls with us after the concert. We went, had food and just sat there and laughed and joked. It was AMAZING!

So since that concert, I've been obsessed with this new band - much to the amusement of my colleagues and friends.

But here's the thing: The music was great; the guys were really nice. But you also have to think about what's been going on in my life. I haven't had an entire weekend off since the beginning of the semester. I hung out with some colleagues occassionally, obviously spent lots of time to with my RAs and my students, but I hadn't hung out with anyone, who doesn't have anything to do with our university or Student Affairs, since winter break. And it was SO NICE! Just talking about non-work related things; having a normal conversation with guys, who have no idea what I do day in and day out. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I suddenly had this unexpected opportunity for a real conversation. It almost felt like I had a life outside work again. Hmmm, maybe I should try to do things like this more often....